the past.. makes us who we are today.

I honestly don’t even know where to start, do I go all the way back to the beginning, or do I start say 10 year ago? This is hard, but it’s also hard for anyone to understand slightly where I’m coming from if they don’t know the whole story, but I feel like that will take years to tell. We’ve been through a lot me and him, we’ve been through so much it’s honestly hard to think anything else could possibly happen, but then it does. Life throws us the craziest challenges at probably the worst and most inconvenient times it possibly could, but what do we do? Kick that shit right in the ass. I love my husband, I always have, since I was 16 years old, that’s almost 13 years, I mean I must love him to put up with him for that long right? Haha no I’m just kidding we’ve had our breaks, and our break ups in between but some how came back to each other and fell in love all over again. Crazy how life works isn’t it? Nobody’s perfect, we’ve both made some pretty terrible mistakes, I mean the first time we where together we got engaged at 18 I mean we where YOUNG, I think the only reason he purposed was because 2 weeks after he got home from basic training and AIT he got orders that he was getting deployed to Afghanistan, and he was scared shitless, scared of missing out, scared of loosing everyone, just scared. I didn’t realize it back in the day when we where young, but I sure as hell do now. I think he was going through something emotionally and was so scared to talk to anyone about it that he started to do things to try and pull people closer to him for comfort, I’m not really sure, to this day, we still haven’t really talked about it. It was a hard thing to go through so young, these are suppose to be the happiest days of your life, going to collage, staying up all night drinking, partying, doing stupid shit you won’t remember the next day. This is what I wanted to be doing, what everyone else was doing. Not sitting in my basement crying because the love of my life is being put in harms way and I don’t even know if he’s alive or what he is doing or where he is at. This was really hard and painful for me. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and all I could worry about was what he was doing and if he was okay. I knew that something had to change I just couldn’t see what it was tell it happened. We separated on this deployment, I know what your all thinking, typical. Right? Well this at the time is what was best for the both of us, we where too young to be going through these things together, we needed to find ourself and figure out what we wanted to do with our lives, separately, and if we found each other again then so be it. His deployment ended up getting extended, he was gone for almost 18 months. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about it, worry about him, not knowing how he was doing or what he was doing. I never did try to keep in touch, if was just too painful and to hard. I recently asked him, how he felt when he got home from being gone for so long. He told me he felt alone, like all his friends where gone and that he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with his life. This was very interesting to me because it’s like even though he was gone everyone kept living, everything keeps going round, and you leave and you go and see the way other people live and the way other countries are but then you have to come home and feel alone? That just doesn’t seem right to me but I completely understand 110% what he means. It’s just shocking that this is what our soldiers that risk their lives everyday feel when they finally get to come home, something that they’ve probably been so excited for and looking forward too for months, and then they get to come home and feel alone? I hope my husband never feels that way again, but then thinking about it, that’s exactly how I feel now..