Military wife just breathe

Tonight is the first night I’ve gone to the grocery store alone in almost 5 months. I order online, it’s always been easier with 2 kids to just get it delivered. Tonight, the kids are with grandma, and I’m getting groceries in the store, by myself, it feels like the first time I’ve finally had a minute to just breathe and think. As I’m walking down the isles I realize my life has been so crazy and so hectic the past 2 months that I haven’t had time to even think about missing you. I keep walking and start thinking about all the things I used to but you, I walk my peanuts and go back because I know how much you love those. I start walking by the meals we used to get, thins we used to buy and eat together, now I’m getting single frozen meals for myself because I’m typically to busy at night to make a good meal anymore. It’s crazy how much your life is changing and things are going on around you and you don’t even realize it because you’ve been too busy focusing on your children’s lives you forget to have one.

God damn I miss my husband, and right now I could really use him.

-shelby

Today, I feel like crap, I have not felt so sick in a long time, so I decided to go in and see my primary doctor to see if he could help me with some of the flu symptoms I have been having. He went over everything with me, and well he was looking over my chart he looked at me and looked at my chart again and started talking.. he talked for awhile, probably a good 40 minutes, of what was going on with my body, explaining things to me, trying to make me understand.

I was already so miserable that I felt like this wasn’t a real conversation. He has been monitoring my periods and ovulating and so on for about the past 6 months because I have only had 3 periods since I’ve had my son, he was born November second 2018..

He told me at first, this is pretty typical, high stress levels, army wife, single parent, doing the works of course my hormone levels are going to be all jacked up right? I haven’t thought too much into it I guess, because hey, I haven’t had much of a period in the past 2 years so why should I be complaining right? I guess sometimes you just think hey, that could never be me, right?

He started explaining to me that I am no longer ovulating, that my reproductive system has shut down, and he’s not sure if it will ever turn back “on” again.. I guess this kind of hit me like a bus coming right at me at full speed ahead. Me and my husband decided last year that we didn’t want to have any more kids, so he got snipped so we wouldn’t have any issues in the future, and it was always reversible if for some reason we changed our minds. I LOVE MY KDS, they are my world, as most parents would say.. This was our decision and I’m still ok with it to this day. When my doctor told me there might be something wrong with my reproductive track I just kind of froze I guess you could say? I dazed into the conversation and all that I could think about over and over again was, you can never have children again, you will never have children again. I guess its not 100% fact, because he said there are most test that need to be ran and obviously need to do an ultrasound to confirm everything he said, and I just froze. Its weird, I didn’t think it would effect me in this crazy way to be told, hey your body is shutting down and there’s nothing we can do about it, and oh hey to top it off, you can never make babies again. This just keeps going over and over it my head today, and to top it off I have the flu… I mean couldn’t he of waiting tell next week.. the sentence he said ” well I have you here in person there is something id like to talk to you about, something that could be pretty serious”

Im emotionally drained to say the least, and kind of broken.. I’m sure its news no one wants.. no one expects anyways.. I’m glade god gave me 2 beautiful wonderful children, but something about the fact that my body just decided to shut down after the second child.. I don’t know.. gets under my skin.. and hurts..

People always ask you, what is it like to be on the other side, be the person that stays home and “watches over things” well your husband or wife is away for so long.

I don’t think people ever truly think about what that person has to go through on a day to day bases, I would have never thought about some of the things that we have had to deal with during this deployment.

For example, pretended to be your husband for a minute to try and pay a bill, or deal with anything related to money pretty much, lesson learned in that department, put your name on shit, it will only make your life easier in the long run. Yes, I have all rights well he’s deployed, but what damn good is that when the banks I’m dealing with don’t have any in my state, therefore to show that I have rights, take time, time that I havnt had in a very long time.

Did you know that every solider has to report to a mandatory seminar 30 days before and after each deployment? Where during this full 2 day seminar you are required to attented classes about learning about all your resources that you have, support that you have, and guidance, to prepare not only the solider, but the family as well.

One of the topics they push hard on, and make sure to point out pretty consistently is drawing up a will with a lawyer. Im 29 years old, I should be setting up retirement accounts and savings bonds and many started to write up life insurance for my kids future, but a will? We actually had to set up an appointment during this time, to sit down and talk about what we want in our will, I’m still shocked to this day that I had to do that at 29 years old.

I know its the responsible thing to do is to have one ive just been so mind blown that at such a young age its been something in our 10 years of being together, 4 years of marriage that its something weve had to talk about and figure out together, doesn’t it just seem like our lives have just begin, only to be planning the end? Just doesn’t seem right to me.

Some of the questions they ask, about where your money goes, your property and so on, pretty basic. But when they start asking you about your kids, and who will take care of them if all the sudden mommy and daddy arnt around anymore, what a thought process that is. Ive never been away from my kids for longer than 24 hours, I cant imagine leaving my kids with anyone but myself to raise them up tell they are grown enough to do it themselves. I mean has anyone every really thought about that before?

When I look at a military spouse, I know that they have gone through this same thing, and maybe it doesn’t mean to them what it meant to me that day, and that’s ok, everyone reacts differently do it, and that’s ok too. I just wish that this would of been something that we would have to think about far in the future, not now, not here, not where we are in our lives.

I know its part of the job, my husband is in combat, I get it. But sometimes I feel like I’m in an emotional combat trying to get everything under control, trying to figure out my life let alone my day, or next hour, I didn’t want to have to think about raising two kids alone if something where to happen to my husband, I don’t want to think about who will raise my children if something where to happen to us, I just don’t want my mind to have to go there right now, I don’t want to think about what it would be like if one of us never came home again. or worse both. You have to decide who you would want to have legal custody of your kids, I just cant.

-Shelby

I figure, every once in awhile it’s gotta just be ok, to just not be ok. It’s ok to cry every once in awhile, and it’s ok to leave that laundry tell tomorrow, it’s ok to not wash the dishes tell morning or pick up the toys. Some times you just gotta be ok with not being ok I guess. I’m always trying to make sure everything is ok and everything is constant I don’t know “comfort” to me and everyone around me. Sometimes you just gotta learn how to sit back and take the fact that something’s it’s not going to all be ok, and that’s ok because life happens and you just have to learn how to sit back and let life not be ok sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

I guess remind yourself that, things have been bad before, things have been way worse before, and things will get better and maybe having this bad day will make that better day come soon enough.. you have to at least have hope in that.

I hate those days where you don’t feel yourself, in all honestly you just need a break, but you know you’ll never get one. Every time I feel like I try to relax or just sit down for a minute something happens. I try and try and try and feel like I keep failing, over and over again. I miss my husband, I miss having that person that gives you a break, even when you don’t need it. Its like being home, having to do everything all the time there is not enough time in the day to get done what needs to get done because its physically impossible to do it all as one person. How do you beat that?

I keep thinking about getting some one on one time with my daughter, I miss it just being me and her, but she’s been so I don’t know, acting out lately I guess you could say, yesterday, she told me she hated me maybe 20 times, and I know shes saying it because she wants to get some kind of reaction out of me but honestly after hearing it so many times in one day it just breaks me down, makes me wonder if Im not doing a good job at being a parent. im used to having that physical support of a spouse to tell me im doing ok, and that she doesn’t mean it and that everything will be ok, but I don’t have that right now, and I know I wont have that for a long time so how do I get through days like this? how do you keep pushing when all you really want to do is curl up in a ball by yourself and cry?

Do you ever think about the last time you saw someone? What you were thinking about or what you where doing… I honestly do sometimes.. think about it i mean, I wonder if those lasat moments together where good enough, if they where ok.. My mind works funny like that, always thinking the worst, im not sure why, it never used too, i never used to worry about the things i do now, i guess it all started when we had kids that my mind started working differently. I think about all the times we’ve had to say goodbye, I remember the first time we said goodbye, we where 18 i think, you where leaving for basic training. The second time we said goodbye was in Oklahoma, we drove all the way out there to see you graduate, i remember driving home and it made me sick to my stomach to say goodbye yet again. I remember the third time we said goodbye you got deployed shortly after you got home from AIT and Basic, you got deployed to Iraq, I remember all these times like they where yesterday, when they where actually over 11 years ago. After that, we started smaller goodbyes for only short periods of time in the summer when you would go for your 3-4 week small deployments. those where easy, but i still remember counting the hours and counting the days apart, and explaining them to our daughter. I remember every time ive had to hold her well she cried in my arms missing her daddy, Shes always been so young that she got over it quickly and the time has always gone by fast for her. This time is different, our goodbyes where different, our last moments together where different, this time was a long time, like i didnt want the hours to pass, i didnt want moments to go by, i wanted things to be perfect, which is probably why they where far from perfect… 4 months into a deployment doesnt sound like much, but it feels like forever, i havnt seen my husband in months, how many people get to say that? I miss him, a lot, every minute or everyday, it gets harder and harder as time goes on, which you think would get easier, but it doesnt, people stop checking in on you, some people actually stop talking to you, and some go away all together, sometimes are harder than other times.

Its hard to put yourself out there again, its hard to show yourself to the world, kind of like your starting over, but not really.. you do everything together and you go out together, so doing it alone isn’t fun.. Going to events with all your couple friends almost makes you feel more alone then ever, sometimes its almost easier to stay home because at least at home you feel less alone than when you do when you go out in public. I don’t know maybe its just me? I don’t really socialize very much since he left, sometimes it makes it easier to keep to yourself.. I know I shouldn’t but how do you really put yourself out there again when your too tired to even take a shower at night after cleaning house making supper and bathing and putting the kids to bed? All I want to do after that is go to bed myself..

this song… love the lyrics

Hey homecoming queen 
Why do you lie 
When somebody’s mean? 
Where do you hide? 
Do people assume 
You’re always alright? 
Been so good at smiling 
Most of your lifeLook damn good in the dress 
Zipping up the mess 
Dancing with your best foot forward 
Does it get hard 
To have to play the part? 
Nobody’s feeling sorry for yaBut what if I told you the world wouldn’t end 
If you started showing what’s under your skin 
What if you let ’em all in on the lie? 
Even the homecoming queen criesHey homecoming queen 
How’s things at home? 
Still walking on eggshells 
When that curtain’s closed 
Did your daddy teach you 
How to act tough? 
Or more like your momma? 
Sweep it under the rugLook damn good in the dress 
Zipping up the mess 
Dancing with your best foot forward 
Did you want the crown 
Or does it weigh you down 
Nobody’s feeling sorry for yaWhat if I told you the world wouldn’t end 
If you started showing what’s under your skin? 
What if you let ’em all in on the lie? 
Even the homecoming queen cries 
Yeah, what if I told you the sky wouldn’t fall? 
If you lost your composure, said to hell with it all 
Not everything pretty sparkles and shines 
And even the homecoming queen cries 
Oh yeah 
Even the homecoming queen criesHey homecoming queen 
Why do you lie? 
When somebody’s mean 
Where do you hide?

I’ll never forgot the first time she said it, the first time she said I hate you. I ran into the other room and balled. I wasn’t expecting something like that to be so painful, so harmful coming from her little mouth, I was shocked that those 3 little words could even hurt as much as they just did. Now, being told it a time or two, I always tell her that those are very hurtful words, and that no matter what I always love you, even when you are naughty and hurting my feelings, I tell her those exact words, every time she tells me I hate you, I always respond with this same sentence. I always walk away, every tome, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry, because even though I know she doesn’t mean it, I know she’s just upset and trying to push my buttons, it still hurts to hear and thinking about it, I don’t know it’s just different ya know, coming from someone you have cared for their whole life, it’s just different. There’s no words. ☹️

I love my husband, I completely 100% support his career choices. Whatever he wants to do that makes him happy i support him. I know he supports me too, he pushes me to do what i love, and I love that about him, i know having a daycare in our house cant easy for him, he’s so messy and doesn’t know how to clean up after himself, so me constantly on his ass has to be annoying but hey, i already clean up after myself and our 2 kids so why should i have to clean up his stuff too. I almost miss his messes, the way he seems to never be able to find the laundry basket, or the way he doesn’t clean his bathroom, gross right? I think he cleaned his shower like twice… maybe. I miss hi trails he leaves so you always know where he has been. I miss his company when he used to come home every night after work, even if it was late at night. I miss the way he used to play with my hair,and tickle me tell i fell asleep. It’s been 3 months since he deployed and right now, being the holidays, everything seems like so much longer, and his coming home time seems so much further away, 10 months away. Sounds like a lifetime away, yet a couple weeks ago i was thinking about how fast time was going… I don’t know maybe the holidays will bring out the worst in military spouses, because they realize how being alone truly feels…its no different then our sons birthday, or our anniversary, or his birthday, or thanksgiving i guess but for some reason, I don’t know christmas just doesn’t feel right with out him by my side. And I don’t even want to know how New Years will feel… not looking forward to that holiday either.

How do people get through the holidays without their husbands?