The last time..

Do you ever think about the last time you saw someone? What you were thinking about or what you where doing… I honestly do sometimes.. think about it i mean, I wonder if those lasat moments together where good enough, if they where ok.. My mind works funny like that, always thinking the worst, im not sure why, it never used too, i never used to worry about the things i do now, i guess it all started when we had kids that my mind started working differently. I think about all the times we’ve had to say goodbye, I remember the first time we said goodbye, we where 18 i think, you where leaving for basic training. The second time we said goodbye was in Oklahoma, we drove all the way out there to see you graduate, i remember driving home and it made me sick to my stomach to say goodbye yet again. I remember the third time we said goodbye you got deployed shortly after you got home from AIT and Basic, you got deployed to Iraq, I remember all these times like they where yesterday, when they where actually over 11 years ago. After that, we started smaller goodbyes for only short periods of time in the summer when you would go for your 3-4 week small deployments. those where easy, but i still remember counting the hours and counting the days apart, and explaining them to our daughter. I remember every time ive had to hold her well she cried in my arms missing her daddy, Shes always been so young that she got over it quickly and the time has always gone by fast for her. This time is different, our goodbyes where different, our last moments together where different, this time was a long time, like i didnt want the hours to pass, i didnt want moments to go by, i wanted things to be perfect, which is probably why they where far from perfect… 4 months into a deployment doesnt sound like much, but it feels like forever, i havnt seen my husband in months, how many people get to say that? I miss him, a lot, every minute or everyday, it gets harder and harder as time goes on, which you think would get easier, but it doesnt, people stop checking in on you, some people actually stop talking to you, and some go away all together, sometimes are harder than other times.