Military wife just breathe

I’ve never been open with my writing before. Makes me feel exposed, like letting people get to know me, truly know me for some reason always scared the hell out of me. Now, I honestly have no idea why I don’t feel that way anymore? Maybe I want to know that being alone, doesn’t last, and missing your husband gets easier, being a single mom of 2 well daddy is deployed somehow gets easier? I want to feel relation to at least one person in this big ass world, knowing that someone else has gone through what I’m going through, or is currently struggling everyday, just like I am. Knowing that other people have gone through something makes me feel some kind of calm like everything will be ok someday, even if it’s not right now.. I hope that people that are reading these, can somewhat relate and know that your not alone, even if you feel like your the only one in the room. -Shelby

I’m still trying to figure out the whole carrying a child for 9 months, having a baby, then feeling completely like a different person. It’s like I’m watching someone else in my body. I’ve talked to my doctor, I’ve talked to my pregnancy doctor I saw a specialist they all say I struggle with postpartum anxiety. Why? How? No matter what kind of medication they’ve tried they’ve all been antidepressants. I AM NOT depressed but taking those things literally make me feel depressed. All they do is switch them, or keep trying them for a month then we will talk. I was so sick of taking things that made me feel worse I guess after just over a year I stopped tying. I feel hopeless, like some things just aren’t going to ever feel right again.. like all this worrying and all this stress will just always be there, and that’s my life now. When I walk by something that’s out of place I can’t stop thinking about it tell it’s fixed. When my house is messy, I can name every single thing that’s out of place after walking through a room. I seriously can not drive on the interstate without thinking of at least 10 ways I’m going to die on the drive to the grocery store. When I’m at the dollar store, I have to hurry and shop because I think someone is going to rob me or take my wallet. When I’m walking to my car at target, I go fast and watch my surroundings because I can’t stop thinking about the people who have lost their children in the blink of an eye. When I lay in bed at night, I think of all the ways someone could break in our house, and I plan how I’m going to get both the kids before they do. I CANT sleep at night anymore without taking some type of sleep aid. THIS right here all happens to me daily, this is how my mind works. Not just every once in awhile, not every other day or something this is what’s going on 24/7, all the time. I literally have no idea how to turn my mind off so I can just breathe for a second, even every once in awhile would honestly be great. I never used to feel this way before I had children. I’ve never had issues with Anxiety, my mind never processed things the way it does now. It never thought that far ahead or thought too much into things or overreacted for no reason at all. I’ve never thought in a million years this is how I would feel today. I just wanna feel some what normal again and not worry so much all the time over things I probably could never fix anyways or never change. Looking for an answer is starting to feel hopeless I guess, I feel alone, my husbands been deployed for what feels like forever, so it’s just me, my 4 year old and my one year old. I just want to feel myself again to be there for my kids, and support my husband and be able to enjoy this time I have with them now, I want to live in the now, not in the worry. . -Shelby Rieger

I hate attention, I hate self pity. I hate when people look at you and don’t know what to say or how to react. That’s why I am the way I am. I hold things in, I cry in the shower or in the dark or when no one is around. I don’t share how I’m feeling, I keep it to myself or write it down where no one I know will ever find it. I hate that people feel sorry for me, I don’t want attention. I want help, but I’d never ask for it. I want someone to give me a “day off” I want someone to vacuum my house, mop my floors for once so I don’t have too. I want someone to order the groceries and put them away. I want someone to help me put the 5 loads of laundry away I have to do every week by myself. I want to be able to just go to bed for once, and shower, longer than 10 minutes. I want someone to do the kids baths, feed them supper and put them to bed, just for one day. But I’d never tell someone that, because to me i feel as if I need to be strong and take it all in and do everything myself, and I don’t know how to change that.

Sometimes I wonder what you think, I wonder what’s going on in that little mind. It used to just be me and you, “forever and always” we say. We used to do everything together, play princesses go to the park, go to target, always just me and you. These where “our” things that we did together. Then I brought home your baby brother who took up 75% of my time away from you.
So I sit and I rock and let all the guilt creep in as I watch you play alone, something you never used to have to do. Sometimes I feel like all I’m ever saying to you is “hold
On I’m feeding yo ur brother” or “maybe later, I’m busy with your brother” or “not right now”.
These feelings make me feel sad, like no matter what I’m doing I’m neglecting one of you. You see, when I had your brother my heart didn’t split in two in order to love both of you, it doubled, but unfortunately my arms my lap and my time, didn’t double.
At night when everything quiets down and I’m rocking your brother, I always go over the day in my mind, today you loved me in the middle of all the mess, regardless of the lack of attention that I gave you. You loved me when I gave you muffins for breakfast, forgot to brush your teeth, and made you wait 76 hours for your tea. You loved me even though I lost my patience, put you to bed at 630 and failed to take you to the store to buy you bath paint. Today, just like yesterday you loved me through my failures as if I haven’t even let you down. Because to you, maybe I didn’t let you down after all, to you, I was still the best….everything.
From the bottom of my heart Rylee LaRay, you will always be my “forever and always” and I am so thankful for your 4 year old unwavering grace. I love you baby girl.

I’m driving home from thanksgiving dinner, and it’s kinda like it just hit me, I wish we where going shopping together, drinking coffee too late, disagreeing about what a need and want is.. isn’t it funny how all the things that make me so upset at you sometimes are the things I end up missing the most? Funny how life works isn’t it. I miss your stupid smile, and the way you look at me when your guilty as all hell, I miss yelling at you for driving way to fast in a snow storm.. I miss you driving period.. (I hate driving) I miss having to go to 2 separate coffee shops because you hate Starbucks. (Annoying right) I miss you getting Ants in your pants and complaining about me wanting to walk down every isle. I miss being able to go home as a family and enjoy each others company after a long day with family. I miss getting into bed and cuddling well we watch a movie, I literally miss everything about you, the good, and the bad. I miss you 😘 more and more, everyday gets a little bit harder, but a little bit closer to seeing your face again. I love you, forever and always.. wifey ❤️

I was at Target tonight, I had a little déjà vu, when me and my husband where I think 17, it was our first “Black Friday” together, it was also our first all nighter alone I think. Neither of us had any money, and neither of us wanted anything that I could remember anyways.. we sat in the target parking lot for over 4 hours just talking, taking silly pictures, just being us with not a worry or care in the world. Crazy to think that was 12 years ago, gosh that makes me feel old. Now a days, everything is so different. Now, I’d prefer to just skip the holidays this year because even though we are surrounded by family it’s not the same, nothing is the same with out you here with us. It almost feels like it’s not worth celebrating because you can’t celebrate with us. This time of year is time to spend bonding with family, and the only person I want to bond with is you, which is funny because usually when your here I call you the grinch because you hate Christmas and everything but for some reason, I still miss ya. I always miss you. ❤️

You know how there’s only so much you can take in a day? Like when that last thing hits you that just makes you break down. Tonight, like every night, I was putting my lil man to sleep, I asked my daughter to be quiet for a few minutes so I could get him to sleep, she said ok and continued to watch her movie on the tv. After laying with lil B for a few minutes, He falls asleep, I start thinking “ wow this is going to be a nice relaxing night with no fight, then Ry comes barging I’m yelling something about her phone. I tell her to get out and he sits up and just starts screaming bloody murder, I was SO upset with her to say the least I yelled at her at the top of my lounges Rylee be quiet that’s all I asked you to do was be quiet for 5 minutes and you can’t even do that. I was so upset with her I just snapped. She started crying and I just walked away, I left her to cry, and dry her tears on her own. I sound TERRIBLE! I know trust me it’s hard to admit, but I was so far past my limit with her today I was literally loosing my mind. I was so upset. I finally got Braxton back to sleep and in his crib. I took a deep breathe, and went out. Sitting there, staring at my daughter I felt a tear run down my cheek, then out of no where I just started balling, and soft and quiet as I could well i just stared at her, she didn’t notice, she was really into her show, then she must have glanced at me and said, mommy are you crying? She paused her show and just hugged me, so tightly. I then realized that no matter how upset I am with her I need to remember to take a breathe sometimes, before speaking to her. I need to step back, and take a breathe because even though I’m upset with her, I don’t want her to have these memories of me screaming and yelling at her, I want her to have great wonderful memories of us together well daddy is deployed, i would be heart broken for her to think of me as a horrible mother. She pulls back and almost looks like she was scared to talk, I said what is it hunny, after a long pause she said I miss daddy too mommy. I told her I was so sorry for yelling at her and that mommy was just so upset with how horrible she’s been the past couple days with listening, and that it’s hard on me but that’s no excuse to yell at the top of my lungs at my child. I love you baby girl. Mommy will do better, I promise you. I’m trying. ❤️

You ever hear a song come on the radio, a older one, that you’ve probably Hurd a million times before but when you’ve Hurd it before it didn’t mean anything to you because you didn’t relate, than all the sudden it hits you.. like damn that song is deep.. I was listening to the radio when I was attempting to clean my living room this morning and this song came on.. brought me too my knees.. you should be here- by Cole Swindell.. heres the lyrics….

It’s perfect outside its like god let me dial up the weather
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes
Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing you should be here, standing with your arm around me here
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer
Saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d
Be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be hereYou’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home
And even some you don’t yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your faceYou should be here, standing with your arm around me here
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer
Saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish
It’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
Aw you should be hereYou’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah
I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now
God I wish somehow you could be hereOh you should be hereYeah this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I have just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
Aw you should be here
You should be here
…………………………………………………………….I always feel like I’m that person, trying to catch every moment on my phone, trying to take videos and pictures of everything we do, i never used to do that. I used to just be in the moment, but it’s too hard to be in a moment when someone is missing it. You want them to somehow feel connected to that moment they are missing. This song I’ve probably Hurd a thousand times on the radio, but it’s never touched my heart the way it did today.