anxiety

I’m still trying to figure out the whole carrying a child for 9 months, having a baby, then feeling completely like a different person. It’s like I’m watching someone else in my body. I’ve talked to my doctor, I’ve talked to my pregnancy doctor I saw a specialist they all say I struggle with postpartum anxiety. Why? How? No matter what kind of medication they’ve tried they’ve all been antidepressants. I AM NOT depressed but taking those things literally make me feel depressed. All they do is switch them, or keep trying them for a month then we will talk. I was so sick of taking things that made me feel worse I guess after just over a year I stopped tying. I feel hopeless, like some things just aren’t going to ever feel right again.. like all this worrying and all this stress will just always be there, and that’s my life now. When I walk by something that’s out of place I can’t stop thinking about it tell it’s fixed. When my house is messy, I can name every single thing that’s out of place after walking through a room. I seriously can not drive on the interstate without thinking of at least 10 ways I’m going to die on the drive to the grocery store. When I’m at the dollar store, I have to hurry and shop because I think someone is going to rob me or take my wallet. When I’m walking to my car at target, I go fast and watch my surroundings because I can’t stop thinking about the people who have lost their children in the blink of an eye. When I lay in bed at night, I think of all the ways someone could break in our house, and I plan how I’m going to get both the kids before they do. I CANT sleep at night anymore without taking some type of sleep aid. THIS right here all happens to me daily, this is how my mind works. Not just every once in awhile, not every other day or something this is what’s going on 24/7, all the time. I literally have no idea how to turn my mind off so I can just breathe for a second, even every once in awhile would honestly be great. I never used to feel this way before I had children. I’ve never had issues with Anxiety, my mind never processed things the way it does now. It never thought that far ahead or thought too much into things or overreacted for no reason at all. I’ve never thought in a million years this is how I would feel today. I just wanna feel some what normal again and not worry so much all the time over things I probably could never fix anyways or never change. Looking for an answer is starting to feel hopeless I guess, I feel alone, my husbands been deployed for what feels like forever, so it’s just me, my 4 year old and my one year old. I just want to feel myself again to be there for my kids, and support my husband and be able to enjoy this time I have with them now, I want to live in the now, not in the worry. . -Shelby Rieger